


Conflicts Of the Heart

by Two_Spirit



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25752853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Spirit/pseuds/Two_Spirit
Summary: a headcanon-turned-drabble. Nicolo fights Yusuf, then he fights himself. Sometimes it takes a while for a man to lay down his weapons.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 1
Kudos: 78





	Conflicts Of the Heart

In a thousand years together, Nicky and Joe have had precious few serious fights. Discounting the _obvious_ , of course. First meetings hardly count. 

Their first fight as a couple came about when he and Yusuf were still young in their immortality, still men of a single lifetime and new -- _relatively speaking_ \-- to loving one another. Looking back, Nicolo understands that they were yet learning how to communicate, coming to comprehend the intricacies of being open and vulnerable with their hearts and receptive with their minds. 

That's an explanation, yes. Not an **excuse.**

Some part of Nicky is always going to live in shame for the choices he made as a young man. He'd come of age within the Catholic church, surrounded by its teachings about what was holy and what was heathen. He'd drunk deeply from the cup of faith, so much so that by the time Nicolo was called to serve as fodder in God's War, it never even _occurred_ to him to wonder whether the cause was _**righteous**._ He'd followed leaders parroting the words of God, his eyes blind to the blood on their hands until it painted his hands, too. 

And then he had _died_ , fittingly, on the blade of a dark-eyed savage. Once, twice, a **hundred times** before they laid down weapons in truce. To this day, Nicolo does not know what it was that stayed Yusuf's hands. Not when they both could see Jerusalem burning, its ruined streets running shin deep with Indigenous blood. Nicky's Christian brethren had won, for all that such victory tasted like ash and grave dirt in his mouth. 

The journey passing from that moment to the quiet emergence of love had not been a simple or straightforward one. Nicolo and Yusuf stumbled their way past mutual animosity into tolerance, then to tentative companionship and trust. Nicky's attraction for the other man snuck up on him like a pickpocket, plucking away the Genovan's inhibitions until he had none. Until he surrendered to temptation and slipped questioning fingers into the tender curve of Yusuf's bare elbow at night. Their mutual press of hands became the sharing of breath, became the taste of lips on skin. Nicky had thought he'd known what it meant to burn with a passion, to be consumed by something divine. But _this..._

It had frightened him, and fear made Nicolo a **fool**. There was no denying what he felt for Yusuf, nor that he was as damned in love as he was in faith. But Nicky thought... somehow... he might spare the stain of sin from the other man's soul. That the kingdom of heaven might not close its gates on so noble a person, if he could but remove the source of corruption.

So he left. Or... Nicolo _tried_ to. He hadn't accounted for the sheer (stubborn) perseverance of a Yusuf that knew what he wanted. Whenever the Genovan attempted to slip away unnoticed, he would turn only to find Yusuf already at the hitching post, saddling his horse and leveling Nicky with a look that _dared_ him to challenge. Or waiting for him at the edge of the city, pack slung across his shoulders and a mulish, affronted expression on his face. Each time, Nicolo avoided the other man's eyes, a sick shame rising in his throat at his own cowardice. The Genovan thought to tell Yusuf that they could not be together, that he didn't _want him..._ but even at his best, Nicolo made for a terrible liar. How could he look Yusuf in the eye and pretend the man _didn't_ hold the entirety of his heart in his hand?

Finally, when Nicolo made to slip from their shared bedding that night, Joe cornered him. A direct man (and no fool like Nicky himself), he caged the blonde in the doorway of their rented lodgings, catching Nicky in the bracket of his arms. "I know what you are doing, my Nico." Yusuf spoke with a rough fervor, voice quickly rising on the tidal waters of his emotions, "--- _Ras Libghal._ This penance does nothing but punish us **both!** " 

Nicky tried not to react to the anguish he could hear in his companion's words, gaze shying away from him, knowing that despite the darkness his every emotion was laid bare on his face. "... you deserve better, Yusuf." He admitted, quiet and guilt-ridden, his eyes dry but aching all the same. "...the dishonor I have done, the ways in which I hurt your people, have torn you away from the grace of God--- " 

"Oh, so you die a few times and now you think yourself a _martyr?"_ Yusuf cut Nicolo's confession short, his tone acerbic and disbelieving in the quiet between them. He seemed to forget himself, slipping into Derja as he swore, and Nicky turned his head to look at the other man in surprise. Their eyes met, and Yusuf's expression softened. "...My heart. When I look at you, I see all Allah's graces brought to life. Do you not know that _you_ are His gift to me?" 

Nicolo's heart felt crushed within his chest, his breathing uneven. Heat prickled behind the blonde's eyes as he searched Yusuf's features, looking for a hint of doubt. Could it truly be so simple? That this eternity awaiting them both was, in fact, a boon? The chance to be together and know true happiness? 

"... I love you." Nicolo blurted out then, because he was not accomplished with words like Yusuf, but neither was he adept at keeping his emotions hidden. Unbidden, a tear slipped from the corner of the Genovan's eye, scalding a path down his cheek. "... I fear I damn us both, but _I love you,_ Yusuf."

And Yusuf smiled at him, one hand lifting to cup the side of Nicolo's face, to catch the errant tear with the pad of his thumb. He tipped forward, resting their brows together, his gaze unwavering. "... Then let me love you in return." 

And so, Nicolo did.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a headcanon I wrote out on tumblr just for the sake of my Nicolo characterization. But it seemed to get a positive response from the (truly quality) writers and TOG fans on there, so I figured I'd post it here, too.


End file.
